*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
You Might Also Like
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes