“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]