Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
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date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!