[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …