Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.