My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
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A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.