SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Schrödinger’s cookie
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.