Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
You Might Also Like
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!