I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4