therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
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My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations