back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.