[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean