My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.