What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Midwest trash talk
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.