My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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live long and prosper!
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
who wants to go expliring
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.