I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.