Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
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you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
#DesignFail
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”