I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I’d … I’d rather not.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?