*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
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3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.