Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
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[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters