Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.