*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
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WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression