I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*