If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”