don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Close call…
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses