What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.