Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
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comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.