What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
No good deed goes unposted on social media.