My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*