*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
smh
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it