I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
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[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings