Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Oh. My. God.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
inside you are two wolves
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Taking phone security to the next level.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.