Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You Might Also Like
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.