Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.