No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Still my favorite headline of all time: