One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
There comes a point in every parentâs life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isnât getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and Iâm not ready
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called âworkâ
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Squirrel having fun.. đ
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayedâŚ
Does anyone else picture a person actually âsquattingâ in a house when someone says thereâs âsquattersâ there? or is that just me?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.