Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity