The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye