I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
When they try to steal your moment.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Wait a second…
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?