When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
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Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.