If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Happy Caturday!
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work