If you had more money you’d be happier.
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[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie