Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.