Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.