My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
It’s an epidemic…
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.