Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie