Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?