*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?