“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Customize Your Wedding.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.