Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
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I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car